kieth, have you seen my mule?

i think i left it at the ranch to finish eating.

GODDANM IT, KIETH.

0_0

so... if i stuff these apples up my rectum i'll turn into solid gold? AWESOME.

yes, now there are some side effects- i throroughly test all my produce!

what? like zits and stuff? i got like a zillion of those, doc.

no.. not like that..

spit it out, doc, my mom wants me to pick up my sister soon.

well, you see.. some patients suffer from light rashes, maybe even some irritating boils before the gold takes effect. but others, well, they..

i got a freind with 3 legs and a disfunctional nasal pasage that causes him to spray flem when he speaks. you can't freak me out, doc. not even with godzilla, ok?

they turn into satan, steven, satan.

they what?

SATAN.

haha! sweet, i'm giving this to my sister! :D wait it wouldn't have an effect on my sister... :\

oh god, steven.

MM, AH. yes, i do believe i have figured it out. the"Life and Times of Ajax and Tommynogoodilovechicken" revolves around the main character, Ajax, trying to find out why tommy likes chicken so much. it is later discovered that his love for chicken, particularly the kind that is dipped in relish and perserved in a heavy layer of salt and fish oil, results from his childhood scars where his father would punish him for the miss use of various appliances. tommy would often find him self rapidly mutating, causing his arms to grow excessive lengths at a time. at one point his arms stretched over four feet long, making appliance use rather tedious. his 3 foot tall father, jealous of his son's extremely long arms would beat him if he did his chores too slowly. the hardest time tommy was beaten, his father used a chicken wing that he had earlier found in the garbage and had lightly urinated on it for an extra "splash" of flavour. tommy was truly traumatized and later would only eat chicken, resulting in his name, Tommynogoodilovechicken. Ajax was his only true friend, and was happy to urinate on his chicken, should he ever require it.

ATTENTION ALL TRILOBITES OF THE TRILOBITA CLASS:

you know trilobites like greeting eachother, and when they do, they like rubbing their tentacles together. what trilobite wouldn't want clean, sleek tentacles for this practice? that's why all trilobites should buy Tentacle Oil, for clean, sexy, and healthy tentacles.

MMMMMMRRRGHGHHHHEEERRRFFDDEERWWWBBHHUU URR. *POP*

i barely got that stethoscope out of my nose.

a NOSE?! icanhaspl0x?

NUUUUU! i need for smelling things. like my exquisite collection of smelly felts.

kthxbai.

L8TER G8TER.

where is my finger? i think i misplaced it!

:o there it is. left it on my rutabaga.

IMMA MAKE SOME STEEEEEEWW!!!!11

*creates delectable dish out of rutabaga and snail innards that tastes like a large metal fan hitting you in the face after being launched out of sauropod's anus*

*tastes* AAAAAAGGHRHRUUKKKERRMMM@#@#@#!!!11

that, does not taste like chicken. <.< >.> i will now go for *dramatic pause* a walk.

on his walk:

*finds a bedraggled young lad with four arms and an unwanted pair of llama shoes*

*note deep voice* WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME KNITTED, GENTLY USED, 3-TOED LLAMA SHOES?

3 toes?

MUTANT LLAMA. RARE BREED.

ah. what other mutant features does it have...

UUUUHHHMMMMM...... HE CAN DETECT A RUTABAGA FROM A MILE AWAY. HE HAS LIKE *counts with fingers* ummm *brings out toes* 6 NOSTRILS?

:[]! I MUST HAVE THIS MAGNIFICENT BEHEMOTH!

5 DOLLARS.

that's it?

ONLY IF YOU BUY THE SHOES.

cool. ALL THE RUTABAGAS WILL BE MINE. MWUAAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHBWAHAHWAHAHUAHA UHAUUHAHAHAAAA!!!!!1111111

BYE.

wait! you must try my steeewW!!

*sip* AAAGGHHH!!! *morphs into Megatron* AAARRGGH! DIE HUMAN!@

never! go, mutant llama, i choose yooouuu!!!

llama: MMWWaahh.

Mutant llama, inhale!

*the mutant llama concentrates all it's energy to it's sinuses, then inhales with a mighty gust*

-Megatron is unaffected- HAHAA! DIE-

NO! i am not finsihed yet!

hmm?

Mutant llama, sneeze!

ACHHOOO!! *BOOM* *a shock wave stronger than any atom bomb pushes out from the nostrils of the mighty, smelly creature. the gust sweeps Megatron off his feet, resulting in him screaming like a little girl (the pitch of which deafened anyone in the immediate area, and people as far as tokyo screamed "Godzillaa!!"), Megatron then was launched high up into the air, where he was gang-banged* by a flock of seagulls (angry with him after he called them wet-poopers) and slowly died of peck injuries.*

*by banged i mean he got the crap beaten out of him.

-it's super effective-

YYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!11 *que victory pose*

CHOP, CHOP, CHOP. I LOVE CUTTING WOOD.

CHOP, CHOP, CHOP. WOOD IS TOUGH.

CHOP, CHOP, CHOP. WOOD GAVE ME PREGNANCY.

hello my dear friend. would you like to buy some cabbage? or maybe an award-winning play write by an illiterate lttle boy?

n-no-noo..thank youu..uu..

are you OK sir? your speech appears to be impeded.

I JUST LIKE TO EAT CATERPILLARS SO MUCH. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. MY TALKS AT THE MARKET ARE ODD. THEY TELL ME THAT CATERPILLARS ARE POISONOUS, AND THAT THEY PEE ON ME. BUT, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, THAT CATERPILLARS ARE A DELICACY TO THE GNOMES OF LORE. THE GNOMES WOULD SPRAY THEIR CATERPILLARS WITH LIQUIDATED TOE-FUNGUS IN ORDER TO GET THE PERFECT FLAVOUR. IT WAS SAID THAT THE CATERPILLARS WERE SO WELL MADE, THEY TASTED LIKE AN ENT'S LARGE RIGHT TOE.

0_0 i'll come back later, you know? when your less insane.

sounds cool, bro. i'll be here, massaging my caterpillars.

if reptiles could speak, they would recommend that you grow multiple tails. they would surely tell you of all the epic stories of how they escaped 5 year old children, utilising nothing but their tails as bait.

and surely, you would be educated on how 6 tails, all of their own unique patterns, impressed all the female reptiles, and brought on a merciless onslaught of sex-induced rage to the holder of the 6 geen and turquoise whips; an onslaught that brought the mightiest feeling of all-powerful regality to a 6-tailed male reptile.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY IT'S FUCKING AWESOME, FOR THE RECORD.

probably the sexiest thing i've seen.

had to clean the ceiling after because my head exploded.

you tore my are off...

oh god....

LETS GIVE HIM A HAND!!!!

you know at the end, the "chair seller" gets the guys ass mailed to him...

i wonder if its still comfy to sit on?